gone where-ever but now I’m back

March 2016

was a good or at least normal sort of day which hid behind it the
storm about to hit. It hit in my mind and with the wind and rain on
my windows. I woke early and happy and alert, ready for the day ahead
and looking forward to it without really knowing why. But who cares

bike ride to the walk was great in the sunshine and I meandered my
way by going off the road and along the riverside. I was still the
first to arrive at the meet point and feeling peckish was happy to
find a bakers open and still before 10. got a cheesy pastie which I
demolished fast. Saw 2 of the other walkers, mother and daughter who
had both been good to me in previous weeks, so strolled over. We
stood in the sun chatting rather than going to the meet point in the
shade. Others joined us and we slowly became about 25 strong. The
walk was about an hour and somewhat disappointingly was in the shade
a little too often but we are supposed to be walking not sunbathing!

the walk about 15 of us adjourned to Witherspoon for coffees at £1.10
for unlimited refills. Good deal but a shame the breakfasts are not
around the same price as I was hungry again by now!!! Near on 2 hours
were passed before everyone had left so I headed off into the sun for
2 hours riding around on the bike. Finally I reached the point of
exhaustion and gave up for the day knowing that getting home is all
up hill. The day however was not over. I had forgotten that I was
scheduled to go out with neighbour to his bowls club, just to watch
and drink. Several hours and 3 pints of spitfire later I collapsed
happily in bed.

next couple of days were just cold, wet, windy and confused and it
was not until today, Monday, that I am back in the world of the
living. Maybe the spitfire real ale was too much but I think and hope
it is dementia and not beer related!

have been offline for the last couple days. Offline from the Talking
Point forum, from the whole internet, from all other people and also
from myself!

was as if I was in here, in my mind, but trapped inside watching,
happily. I am not sure that even today I am able to communicate about
the last 48 hours but want to try as it will help my mind put it in
some kind of shape even a weird one.

seemed to stop connecting. Sentences became just a list of
individual, separate words that had no connected nor individual
meaning but I did not care as it did not disturb me? I could not read
anything, TP included, as I could not get online. The internet was
garbage (nothing new there then) as it was just a screen of pictures,
words and shapes without any connection. I could understand and click
the Chrome icon but when it opened up I was lost. The whole screen
was just a meaningless mass of words and pictures, very pretty and
made me smile, but was of no use to me at all. Books, papers,
letters, mags, all the same. Just lists of words. I understood each
word on its own but could not/did not string then together. Music was
great but the words in songs became a noise! I watched TV and films
but just enjoyed the pictures moving. I think that I even sat with a
stupid smile on my face but being alone I am not sure. Not
understanding did not bother me as it seemed quite ok and normal? It
bothers me lots now but at the time I was just ecstatically happy.

must have ate ok as today there was dishes in the rack all washed and
clean. I know that I did not go out as there was no need and as such
never tried to speak with anyone so I don’t know what the outcome of
that would have been. Maybe video chat with an understanding carer
would have been good but I don’t know how I would have got into it!!!

mind must have been working overtime to try and process stuff as I
was permanently tired and slept loads, maybe every 2 hours or so.
Still spelt long over night as well though? My mind is certainly
working overtime now as I recall all this but cannot understand it. I
was very happy and carefree, even more than usual? Most of the hours
have vanished into oblivion and I remember no details just a sense of
this is!

another big new day with 2 new challenges tomorrow so will keep you
posted on those events then. i start a new therapy group AND have to
contend with a phone call to a government department. As the last
official phone call to the hospital was such a trauma i doubt this
will be easy…… wish me luck!!!!

ya soon